my walk with God

Sunday, October 28, 2007

thankful...

i am thankful:

...that even though my mom and her cousin got into a traumatic car accident, they are both safe and home.  no major injuries, which is really good considering what happened.

...for my friends and family who respond to my texts with prayers for my family.

...even though i’m hurting inside because i know that it can only get better.

...for my friends who’ll sit in a room with me not saying anything, not only cuz they know that i need company right now, but because they like to spend time with me too.

...to God for taking care of my family, and to my family for getting together for a “thanksgiving” worship -after- an accident.  my mom’s family really has a great support group.

...just because. 


tomorrow will be a better day.  it just has to be.

Posted by kgrp on 10/28 at 10:01 PM
family • my walk with God • me • banaag • Permalink

Sunday, September 09, 2007

God is taking care of me

i just paid some bills and was updating my information and realized that i really only have a pitiful amount of money left in my bank account - and that with the HOA due this month, plus my EdLoan that needed to be paid, it reduced that pitiful amount to roughly the same cost as dinner last night.  yeah… that can’t be good.

and then i realized that i already got the deposit check and the half month’s rent from the roommate who i just found last week, and who will be moving in next weekend.  and i realized that without that money she gave me, i woulda had several bounced checks this month.  that wouldn’t’ve been good at all.

and this new roommate thing?  though i wanted it earlier this summer before my first paycheck comes in october, it’s nice to know that i just found someone at the exact moment of need, and that without her, i would’ve found myself in dire situations.

and so i realized how much God is taking care of me, that i didn’t go bankrupt since i’ve left the grove, but that i had just the right amount of money to make it through till the brand new job kicks in =)

He rocks like that!

Posted by kgrp on 09/09 at 11:21 PM
my walk with God • Permalink

Friday, March 23, 2007

looking for God

so… there’s so many thoughts that i’ve been writing down and that have been on my mind lately, but i think it all boils down to this:

what type of relationship am I -supposed- to have with God?

i’ve been working on my definition of everything else, such as:

  • what role does attending church play in my relationship with God? (is it really that important to sit in a room for an hour to have my relationship with God grow?)
  • or what do i think about the Adventist set of beliefs? lemme just say that i’m not quite adventist… but don’t really know why
  • or what do i think of the Bible being “God’s way of communicating with us”, but it is full of stories of God speaking directly with people?  i think this might be the ironic joke that sometimes keeps me from wanting to read, yet i keep on going back to it
  • while we’re on that topic, who decided what went into the Bible anyways?  wouldn’t other people’s accounts of their relationship with God be just as good as a testimony to Him?  couldn’t their writings be considered another type of “gospel” aka “good news” that can help bring someone closer to God?  is it so important that i read the Bible or just that i keep on reading about people’s relationships with Him?
  • how important is it that my definition of God is the same as anyone else’s?  this is the part that is most disconcerting because IF God can be different things for different people, IF people of different religions can make it to heaven (which i totally believe that Jews, Buddhists, Christians, etc will all make it there), IF you can even have different rules for different people (as suggested in romans 14), then what’s the point?  of me defining it, i mean.  cuz obviously there is no set answer like the Adventists would like you to believe.

the scary part about God being whatever you make of him?  it’s that maybe i feel slightly marxist… that i’m creating a God to fulfill a need.  that the concept of God can change to fill the human need.  like it’s one giant band-aid to fill the longing inside of me.  funny that i worry about that, cuz i really do truly believe that God exists.  yet.... i just can’t come to answers for all my questions.  at least, i can’t come up with answers that are satisfying enough.

and maybe the most difficult part is doing this search alone.  i’m not relying on my parents to tell me how it is.  i’m not listening to my boyfriend telling me what God told him.  i am not asking the church what i should believe.  i am figuring it out for myself.

it makes for long sleepless nights, but at least when (if) i get answers it will be answers that -will- work for me.

and the good news is that once i’ve written this post, i can finally go to sleep tonight!  shweet!  i like those short term rewards =)

Posted by kgrp on 03/23 at 02:09 AM
my walk with God • Permalink

Monday, February 26, 2007

so i went to church this weekend...

you know, when i was in spain last summer, i went to church more than a couple’a times.  there was the church on top of mt tibidabo where you could see the entire city, and i went to an afternoon mass/vespers service and crashed a wedding on the same day.  i went to the monastery at montserrat and sat through the sundown vespers…

funny thing was, even though i am fluent in spanish, i couldn’t understand the service at all!  for starters, the church officials talked in catalan, the local dialect.  yup.  not able to understand one word.  and secondly… well, i was there at church all alone.  yet, i stayed for the entire service, i sang when they sang, i stood when they stood, i knelt when they knelt, and i read the Bible when they were just talking.  since i couldn’t really -be- part of the service.

looking back on that time, it makes me think - what is the point of attending church if you don’t understand the service?

i guess where this comes from is… when i go to church here in the states, it’s not that much different from my experiences in spain.  i go there, i sing along with the songs, stand when they stand, sit when they sit, but i’m so disconnected from the sermon.  it might just happen to be the churches where i’ve attended.  it might just be me and i hadn’t been ready to listen to sermons intently.  but even though i wasn’t paying attention to the sermon, GOING to church had always been an important part of my life. 

but once i realized the disconnect that was there… i slowly stopped going to church.  for me, going to church was always a social event - it was important because it was the time to fellowship with other believers.  our family went to church together, my roommates and i went together, and all my friends went to the same church that i did.  when all my friends moved away (and they just all happened to go to japanese church with me), i lost the aspect of church that was always so important to me.  i thought i could just ask perry to go with me, but he had stopped going to church not long before we started dating.  and so i was left to go to church all alone.  and since for me, the point of going to church was to fellowship with my church family, and i felt like i had no church family to call my own, i slowly stopped going.  every once in a while i’d go and i always left feeling.... hmm… empty?  no… it’s more like, i left the service feeling exactly how i did when i went to the churches in spain - i had attended physically, and i had attended alone, but it was mostly a RITUAL of being there.  even if i paid attention to the sermon, and even if the sermon was a good one, it still felt like a ritual that -had- to be done and not necessarily something that blessed me and lifted me up and made me feel closer to God.

maybe, just for me, growing in my relationship with God had always involved other people and i don’t know what to do when those other people are not there to guide and/or support me.

and maybe, going to church isn’t that important.  especially if it doesn’t bring me closer to God.

and yet, i still missed it.  going to church did nothing to make me -feel- closer to God, but -not- going to church left me feeling like i was missing part of my walk.  i’m in a lose-lose situation.

and so here i am with a challenge for all you Christians-who-go-to-church-and-read-this-blog.  what is the point of attending church at all? i’m not trying to say that there is no point, but i -am- trying to figure out - what is the purpose of going to church?

since i did go to church this weekend, i sat through the service and wrote an entire page full of notes on the sermon, notes to myself on my particular walk with God, and notes from random parts of the Bible that i wanted to challenge my dad with later.  but i already know what i’ve written down.  and i already know what i’m struggling with.  but now?  now i would like to know what -you- think.

what is the purpose of going to church?

Posted by kgrp on 02/26 at 02:13 PM
my walk with God • Permalink

Saturday, December 09, 2006

john 11:35

“jesus wept"

this week has been both good for me and rough for me, for a variety of reasons… i cried at least 3 days this week… and yesterday i was listened to an episode of this Christian radio drama, “down gilead lane", and it was the thanksgiving special.  and one of the people in it said that she was thankful for john 11:35. 

cuz “jesus wept”.

and so he should understand when we’re sad, and he does… it was actually rather comforting to hear, really.  he’s been here, and he’s been sad.  and he can understand when i’m crying too.

it’s weird how that 2 word verse can mean so much....

Posted by kgrp on 12/09 at 02:25 AM
my walk with God • Permalink

Sunday, August 20, 2006

growing up adventist

if you grew up adventist, then you probably share a lot of cultural experiences with me… and this email forward makes you laugh…

but last night, merv and i were trying to outdo each other with our “i was sooo sheltered...” stories, and MAN! looking back on our lives, it’s actually rather funny to think of the stuff that we went through as kids.

for example, my brother and i weren’t really allowed to watch tv.  neither was merv.  but if my brother and i were allowed to watch tv (only shows such as “jeopardy”, “family ties” and “the cosby show"), we had to turn off the volume on the commercials because we couldn’t let the “bad music” enter our house.  yeah - i’m not kidding - and that’s exactly how they said it.

on the other hand, merv’s parents had a “tv allowance box” which allowed merv and his brother to watch 2 hours of tv each week.  so they ended up not watching commercials either, but only because they wanted to save their 2 hours of tv watching time.

the funny thing was that merv’s brother actually figured out the parent code - the one that allowed unlimited tv usage - and they would watch tv while their parents weren’t home and then turn off the box and dive outta the living room when they heard the garage open.  if that’s not funny enough, get this - one time, the code was actually 1844!

can anyone out there beat these stories?  there are so many more i think we could both pull from, but i thought i’d give you a chance to participate before i wow you with the conservativeness that was our parents raising us to be good little adventists.

what type of weird little quirks did you go through as a result of being raised adventist?  i’d love to hear that i wasn’t alone…

Posted by kgrp on 08/20 at 12:43 PM
my walk with God • Permalink

Friday, March 24, 2006

having dinner with "monty"


9 chickweed lane is one of the comics that i follow every day… it’s mainly about edda, a young girl who until recently was a student at a catholic high school run by nuns, and her mom, who was a professor. yesterday’s comic sorta captures a sentiment that i’ve felt that i don’t think many people share.  both of the guys shown are ministers, and they’re having a heart to heart about what it means to know God.

so the pastor refers to God as ‘monty’, but i think that’s just an extension of my idea - God should be someone i know by name, someone i want to “talk to” at the dinner table, not someone who i make petitions of throughout the day.  i know, i know, multiple friends of mine have said that the faulty assumption behind my premise is that i want to treat God like a person, and not like He’s God, but i still think that there’s something to that - i should want to be as close to Him as that and i shouldn’t let the fact that He’s omnipotent and omnipresent and omniscient put distance between me and Him, but instead it should draw me closer to Him.

in my eyes, that’s done by “having dinner” with Him…

Posted by kgrp on 03/24 at 08:22 AM
my walk with God • Permalink
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