my walk with God

Monday, March 20, 2006

happy Sabbath

i started this post on Sabbath but didn’t get further than the title, but i’m gonna keep it even though it’s monday by now because, hey, it’s the topic of what i wanna talk about.  and so here goes:

confession #1:  i haven’t been going to church lately.

confession #2:  this has been a conscious decision.

there are many and multiple reasons for my decision to stop going to church, but perhaps the easiest one to talk about is the fact that i’ve been wondering on how to work on my relationship with God.  and i suppose i’m rebelling against what i’ve been taught - to read the Bible, pray every day, and go to church every Sabbath.  those things are fine and wonderful, but at the point when you feel like you’re floundering in your relationship with God (and let’s face it - everyone goes through this, not just with God, but every relationship has its ups and downs), reading the Bible or showing up to church just doesn’t cut it for me.

i mean, i’ve heard people tell me, “you wanna get close to God?  read the Bible!  it’s his letter to you!!” and so i open the Bible with the question ‘how do i get closer to God?’ and i read about God visiting adam, or abraham, or moses, etc, and all i can think is, dude, this is cruel - here i am reading about people who had relationships with God.  i mean, these people NEVER read the Bible (i don’t think they went to church at 11 am every saturday morning, either).  and their relationship with God is the example given to me in the Bible.  and i’m told to read the Bible as my way to grow closer to God.  and i get so distracted by the fact that they have a real relationship with God, but my fix for my relationship is to read about their relationship with God. 

that’s like saying i don’t know who my dad is, and every tells me to get to know him by reading his letters to my mom.  sure, it might give me insight to what a great guy he is.  and it might make me feel like i know who he is.  but does that mean i have a relationship with him?  if i were to accidently run into him somewhere, would i be able to hang out with him and have a great conversation?  maybe… but it also could be awkward because the fact remains that i don’t know him, i just know about him.

likewise, i think that going to church is good fellowship, and that it builds relationships with people who also have relationships with God.  but once again that’s the second degree effect - spending time with people who know the one God that i want to spend time with.  i want to build my relationship with God, not with the church people!  and that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate them or what they can do for me or what i can do for them just by fellowshipping with them.  it just means that i want to work on my relationship directly with God.

and so i’ve cut out all the extras.  i don’t think there’s any point in repairing and patching up a house that simply just needs a solid foundation put under it.  i think that it’d’ve been easy to continue to live my Christian life thinking that everything was ok because i do all the right “mandatory” things.  but instead of treating the symptoms by working on my Bible-reading habits or my church attendance, i’d like instead to go to the root of the problem and work on me and God. 

to be honest, i miss church a little bit.  i’m hoping that missing church will spur me to fix my relationship with God faster.

but this last Sabbath, i stopped by after church to see who i could talk to and i ended up just blurting out “i’ve stopped going to church” and then i burst into tears after that confession.  i know and i realize i have lotsa baggage not just about church but about prayer and reading the Bible and expectations and a whole lot more that i need to work through, but i think the best thing i got outta the whole talk was that I DO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.  it might not be the way i’ve always been taught it needs to be, but there is no doubt that God works in my life.  He took care of me when i didn’t know what to do about japan, and He takes care of me now.  and His influence in my life is evident to other people.

even this not going to church thing worked out into a small miracle - the church paid for some equipment that they didn’t have in their budget, so they didn’t know how they were gonna pay for it.  i went to gym night that same week and ended up giving my last two months’ tithe and offering there, and then i found out that my two months’ checks covered the exact amount of the equipment they bought!  if i had turned in the money at church, the praise band wouldn’t have had a chance to see God provide for their needs.  and all of this happens at the point when i think i’m the furthest from God, yet i know that He can still use me.  i’m not trying to brag, but i think it’s amazing that He can still work miracles in our lives and this is something that i need to remember even when i feel far away from Him.

anyways, this has been me… this is what i’ve been struggling with that caused me to write this post a month ago, and it’s taken longer than that time to finally be able to write something about it.

i’m hoping that this will start the catharthis that needs to happen for me to finally have peace about all of these things, but for right now, i’m just happy that i’m not as far away from God as i thought i was.  thank you for that....

Posted by kgrp on 03/20 at 03:56 PM
my walk with God • Permalink

Monday, November 07, 2005

in all fairness

“fair” is a word that is used and misused a lot.  when i was younger, i remember complaining “that’s not fair!”, only to hear an adult respond, “life’s not fair.” and i would always wonder why they would choose to be unfair when they had the option to be different.  i wanted life to be fair, and i used that word a lot! 

however, i’m different now; i just think of ‘fair’ as a concept that is similar to ‘just’, but is a shade off.  see, i can describe God as being just, but i wouldn’t describe God as being fair.  hmmm… how would i explain… ‘just’ would be an absolute value, while fairness is more perception.

i’ll break it down with a super simple example:  a father has two kids.  one wants to go to the batting cages, the other wants to go to the driving range.  well… if the dad was the only transportation/supervision available, and he wanted to please both kids, he might split the afternoon up and go to the batting cages for an hour and then follow it up with going to the driving range for an hour.  that could be considered a just thing to do - give both kids equally what they asked for, while asking them to compromise and spend time with their sibling doing the other sport.  yet, in both of the children’s eyes, the dad could be seen as unfair.  the one who wants to go to the driving range might think his dad was unfair for making his sport the second choice, while the child who preferred batting cages might be mad at having to leave once he/she was warmed up.  they could both complain that it was unfair… or… they could both see their dad’s attempt at accomodating both of them and see him as being ultimately fair.  see what i mean?

i bring this topic up because last night someone was questioning me on my Christianity and at one point told me that i was being unfair.  i, believing that fairness is perception, agreed that it might seem unfair.  and then came the question: how could i be unfair when a basic tenet of Christianity was fairness?

well… honestly… what i said was, “Christianity isn’t fair.” i don’t think that’s the basis of my belief.  i think instead, i believe that God is love, and that He is merciful and will do all he can to forgive people unworthy of forgiveness (now that’s unfair), just so that we can spend time with Him eternally.  His law is just, and that’s why He can’t just give us eternal life without having someone pay the penalty for our sins, so that’s why He sent Jesus to die for us so that He can offer us that gift.  fair?  to Jesus?  he could’ve been one of those children - “but why are you making me do that?  i didn’t sin, why do I have to die?  that’s not fair!”, but instead, He willingly accepted His role so that we could have eternal life…

fair?  i don’t think so… but that’s what makes Him so great…

Posted by kgrp on 11/07 at 04:50 PM
my walk with God • Permalink

Friday, October 07, 2005

friday night

it’s friday night and another week is done… with only Sabbath left, of course.  i’m looking forward to tomorrow’s sermon.  alan‘s gonna be speaking at the grove so i know it’ll be good…

yesterday, i found out one of my students is jewish, and i told him how my family used to light the menorah every friday night.  no, not the hanukkah menorah, but the 7-candle weekly menorah. 

later that night, i started reminiscing… how we’d go home earlier than most days, and spend the time cleaning the house and preparing for the Sabbath.  it was such a big deal growing up.  i’d have to clean my room, clean the living room, and have my clothes all picked out and ready to go - i’d even have to go to the garage and polish my shoes for church!  my mom would have potato corn chowder on the stove and it would tempt me....  and then, when the sun went down, even if we weren’t done cleaning (and boy, would we get in trouble for that!) we’d stop, and have family worship to bring in the Sabbath.  even our pets would participate in worship!  bubbles -always- sang along with any hymn we’d sing =) then we’d get to eat the good food =) and we’d sit around the dinner table, light the menorah, recite the fourth commandment, and then bless the food.

as stressful as the clean-the-entire-house-before-the-sun-goes-down was, i look back on that time with fond memories.  as i grew up, we got more involved in church and school, and i’d have vespers to attend (or even be in charge of) and we were home less often on friday nights.  we would still have dinners like that every once in the while, but they weren’t the same… and especially now, as i live on my own, i find that i miss that.  Sabbath used to be a celebration, something we’d fervently prepare for… and now, it’s almost just like any other day in the week =/ it’s too bad… i really enjoyed those times.  i guess it’s one of those things i wonder if i’ll do for my children, y’know, having our family have our special nights together.  i really hope so.

Posted by kgrp on 10/07 at 10:43 PM
family • my walk with God • Permalink
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