relationships

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

i'm gettin' set in my ways

so this living alone thing… it isn’t that bad anymore.  i think when i first moved into this apartment it drove me crazy to come home to an empty apartment knowing it would stay empty the rest of the night.  this is the first time i’m living alone, y’know?  i mean, i had a room all to myself in college in the honors dorm, but there were always people around and i hardly stayed in my room anyways, and even if i was there my door was wide open and i could talk to my friends down the hall.  living in the other house i was home alone alot but shelia was always around, even if she was on call and at the hospital, and rita was home thurs-sun.  but here, in my apartment now, i’m the only one here during the week.  i can leave all my shtuff lying around if i want to, i can watch tv at whatever volume i want to, i can sleep out in the living room (and i do - my couch is so comfy!), and pretty much i have the run of the place.  while only 4 months ago i didn’t like the thought of living alone, now, i can’t imagine having more roommates.

i was telling this to gary - that i’m getting used to this living single business - and he told me that as i grow older i’m just gonna get more set in my ways.  and especially when talking relationships… where i’m not so young and hopeful as i might have once been =) hahaha… it’s true though, i think, that when people are younger, they have this grand idea of finding “the one” and making this perfect life together, whereas, someone who’s used to living alone and has been doing things their way a lot longer will be a little more reticent to change their ways.  i guess what i mean (or at least what i understood gary to be telling me) is that it becomes less of finding the perfect person to meld with as it becomes more of a who-will-put-up-with-my-quirks, or even a who-will-i-put-up-with, since i’ve grown more picky.  instead of who can i find to make the perfect life with, it becomes a who can i enjoy my time with that will let me be me.

i don’t think it’s necessarily that bad, either.  i mean, if i can look at it realistically, then i’ll have less expectations and more chances of being happy.  i mean, if i got into marriage when i was younger and more hopeful that we’d complete each other, i could’ve been horribly disappointed by now.  but if i think, hey, here’s someone who’s company i can enjoy for the rest of my life, then that would be a much more realistic goal.

but then that’s an interesting concept - maybe if i had looked at my previous relationships through these lenses i would’ve been married by now - after all, i did enjoy their company.  but we didn’t share the same goal… or our lives were headed in different directions… or what have you.  i dunno… it just didn’t work out.

so here i am, hearing what gary has to say to me.  if he’s right, and i’m getting more set in my ways, then that just means that it will be just that much harder to find the right match for me.  and if i was that hard to please in my youth, you can imagine just how much harder it is to match me when i’m older. anyways, if he’s right, living alone in this apartment will be the reason why i will be single for the rest of my life. =)

Posted by kgrp on 12/13 at 12:23 AM
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Friday, November 11, 2005

the dance of life

so… last saturday night amanda, chris, and i went swing dancing for shelia’s 30th bday… and i was marveling at how the guys know how to lead and the ladies know how to follow their lead.  to me, it’s amazing that two people who haven’t ever danced together before could dance in harmony together, depending on how well the guy could communicate his intentions through his actions as he led. 

then again, last night, i went with jill and amanda to sevilla for salsa dance.  we stopped by early for the quick lesson, and then at the end they told us to grab a partner and told the guy what to do to lead us and make us turn. then they turned on the music and set us loose.  i was pleasantly surprised at how many guys were good leads there, since i consider myself a beginner, but they had me dancing at a more advanced level.  it was pretty funny how every once in a while i’d flub it up totally and realize he wanted me to turn to the left and i was already headed to the right and my hands would fly out of their lead and i’d realize that i read it wrong.  usually, when that happened, i’d laugh, and then ask them what it was they were trying to do.  and then if they tried it again i would do the right thing… i guess i amazed some of them cuz then they told me that i learned quickly, and that i was good for a beginner.  but i would have to give all the credit to them for being such a great lead, because they were able to pull me up to their level.

i made a comment before i went to sevilla’s - that when you go out there you see the old couple that are so fluid together you know they’ve been dancing together for years!  i’ve always thought it’d be nice to have that kind of dance partner where you know each other so well that there would never be the misunderstandings like i had last night, but we’d be able to dance beautifully together on the floor complementing each other and moving in harmony with each other.  and i guess… it made me think of that metaphor, ‘the dance of life’, and i realize that the give and take between two people is so similar to what you see out there on the dance floor.  how lovely it must be to be an old married couple where you know what each other wants without having to verbalize it, but instead you’re able to move together in complete harmony because you’ve worked through all the misunderstandings when you were younger, and you’ve just gelled with the other person.  but that’s something for later in life… it’d be nice, even at the stage of life i’m in right now, just to find the person who makes me dance at a better level, metaphorically speaking.  just to be able to understand the pushes and pulls to move in harmony and learn what each other means by our actions…

Posted by kgrp on 11/11 at 07:23 PM
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Thursday, November 10, 2005

on his way out

last night i went to the pool club with rafa and juanito… it was sorta nice having something to do since i’m trying to stay away from gym night (my ankle is outta commission again!!), but mostly, i went just to hang out with rafa a li’l bit.

see, i read his post the other day, and i was wondering what that meant… and i knew i’d have to find out in person.  it turns out he’s moving to oregon… go figure… i finally have some friends (kat) moving back to town, and now other ones are leaving.  hmmm… how weird =/ anyways.... there wasn’t a big to-do about him leaving, no ‘i’ll miss you’ or anything else like that.  i did ask if he was gonna have a going away shindig, which he isn’t, and i said we should hang out sometime again before he takes off… but that was about it.  no fuss.  i guess it’s just one of those things i’m getting used to - that my friends aren’t necessarily the people who live in the same town as me or who i will see in my weekly activities… but instead, my friends are those (who happen to be spread all over the world) who have helped me discover who i am.


even though we played many games (i won the first two and the last two, and played cutthroat and a few other games in between) it would seem we spent more time picking music on the jukebox and talking than actually playing.  a li’l bit o’ life plans, a li’l bit o’ relationship talk, and of course, a li’l bit of rafalosophy.  he thinks i was doggin’ him last time cuz of what i posted, but even tho i might tease him about his delivery style of jamming it down our throats, i still enjoy conversations like these with my friends.  i like it when my friends theorize on the best way to live a full life, partly because i’m looking for them to share their wisdom, but also just because i know that they’re honest with me, and they’ll tell me exactly what they think of what i’m doing with my life, whether it’s good or bad.  whether it’s late night roomie talks with kat, 2am phone calls with ching, the occasional visit with rafa, driving ‘round loma linda with alan, or weekends with merv, and emails/blog comments with several other close friends, i know that each of them has their own style of keeping me in check, and i do my part with them to keep ‘em honest to what they’ve told me they wanna be.

i guess this is the part of friendship that i’m talking about… the part where we stay friends through thick and through thin, where it’s not all fun and games and hanging out with each other, but tackling the larger issues of life, knowing that they’ve got my back.  these are the people i can count on, no matter how long it’s been since i’ve seen any particular one of them....  they’re the ones i was talking about… the ones i said i get excited when i see that they’re calling me =) i’m willing to open my life up to them for scrutiny and harsh criticism, and yes, they can be WAY hard on me sometimes… no, i’m not talking about rafa last night, i’m just talking about my friends in general.  when there are so many people in my life, why do i choose to open up to them?  especially when i know they’ll give me their brutal honest opinion?  i guess i could say i appreciate that they’re willing to spend the time and energy evaluating my situations and helping me think about what i’m doing, instead of letting me do whatever… and, even though it might be tough on me, there’s a sense of security i have knowing that while they might not approve of what i’m doing, they love me all the same.  and we’ve weathered the storms together, and our friendship holds true.

what more could you want?

Posted by kgrp on 11/10 at 07:03 PM
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